Today I took a pregnancy test. Something I thought I would never do again. During the 2 years we were TTC I took so many pregnancy tests, enough for my entire lifetime. Every single one of those tests brought on so many emotions. Of course the positive tests that ended up in miscarriages were the hardest for me to endure. A year and a half into the TTC journey every negative pregnancy test result I received would absolutely ruin my day (sometimes week). Just before I got pregnant with Audrey I was in a really bad place mentally. I was becoming so obsessed with our overall goal that each failure was very hard to endure.
When I took the pregnancy test that verified Audrey's existence in this great big world I was so excited. After the excitement wore off I was terrified. So worried I would lose another pregnancy. This time around we were seeing an RE and Jeremy was administering progesterone shots to me every evening. I started to have hope. When we made it through the first 3 months and Jeremy was no longer giving me shots I started to get excited and dream of our baby to be. As each week passed all of the pain I felt while TTC started to melt away. Once Audrey was in my arms it was as if we never went through the struggles of infertility. We had our miracle, all was right with the world.
Today I took a pregnancy test. Something I thought I would never do again. Jeremy and I haven't taken any precautions since having Audrey. I didn't really think there was any way for me to get pregnant without a little "help" from a professional. I haven't had a "monthly visit" since having Audrey so I had no idea what my body has been up to. I have been wondering just how fertile/infertile I am nowadays. This question has become more pressing with our new plan to drop COBRA and it's $1000 (yes that is a thousand) monthly premium, for more stripped down "in case of emergency" health coverage. The reason that we have been keeping COBRA for the past 2 years was to cover delivery of a child. So...
Today I took a pregnancy test. Something I thought I would never do again. And it was negative. And I was back in that ugly place. The ugly place that I thought I would never revisit. It had nothing to do with wanting to be pregnant. This is when I realized something that has always rung true for me. Just because I've won a huge battle in my life, the scars need time to heal. I thought that Audrey's birth would be the remedy. How naive to think such a thing. True to my TTC form, this evening I was "visited" by The Visitor. CD1.